; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
