I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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