i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
