My liver just broke up with me...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
