she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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