I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
