So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
