i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
