Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
