My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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