Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
