You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
