Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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