yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
