we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
