see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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