if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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