8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I can't turn off my feet"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
They are going to name an STD after you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
