Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
