if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
