White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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