When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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