omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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