My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
