Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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