But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
