Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
