Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
