I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
