I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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