At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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