well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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