i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
