bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
