I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
