I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
