I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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