After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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