make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
