apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
