Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
