Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
