Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
