im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
