Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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