I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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