he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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