if i can run in heels then i can drive
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
