____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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