The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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